Things Left Unsaid

What I’m about to write will sting to a certain person, and I’m deeply sorry, but I have to write this. There are things that I have said, but I have also left some others unuttered because I don’t want to make matters worse. This has been brewing in me now for some time.

I expected things to be progressing smoothly by now between my husband and his daughter after their first meet, but it appears that they took a step forward and two steps back. It’s completely avoidable, but for some reason it wasn’t. Things happened when she came to visit and it frustrates me when I think about it as it raised a lot of questions and doubts. Questions that I’m not sure I want answered. Doubts that I don’t want confirmed.

I’m certain that I will be perceived as biased. Perhaps I am, but I have seen things my stepdaughter won’t be able to imagine. I just wish that she’d step out of her circle and look at the scenario from his point of view. I know my husband had shortcomings but that’s NOT HIS fault. Nonetheless he tried his best to make up - financially supported her, showered her with gifts and took her to places she could only dream of at her age.

I get why she resents his absence when she was younger because there are certain things that money can’t replace, but we can’t turn back the time - there’s nothing that can be done about that now. But he made a lot of effort to be a father to her in ways he knows. Although they’re at opposite ends of the world, he gave her time and effort to provide emotional support and advice when she was down. He showed her his love even before he met her.

Let’s not forget that he had doubts about her paternity, but decided to claim her as his based on a picture, which to some is unheard of. He didn’t ask or insist on a paternity test, even though other people in his shoes would, because he didn’t want to put her (and her mother) through that ordeal or humiliation. He was always thinking of himself last. And all he asked from her was to call him “dad”.

But she didn’t.

Is that fair? She said he should be patient, it’s not something that he could force on her because she’s not used to calling anyone “dad”, and that it has to come naturally. But is it that difficult? Did he not deserve it or is the word too heavy on her heart and tongue that she couldn’t call him father? I know she can say the word, I heard her say it, just not to him. Because calling someone “daddy” carries a certain level of affection, emotion, and acknowledgment of who this person is and what this person means to you. I’m guessing that level has not been reached.

I can’t blame my husband for being hurt and frustrated. I just wished he didn’t let his frustrations take control of his actions. His disappointment made him pick on little things and cut his patience extremely short. But when he was unashamedly accused of being incapable of unconditional love and wanting payments from the help he gave, I was filled with disappointment and indignation. Did he ask for a lot? Did he even have to ask to be called dad? Every relationship is a give and take, or am I wrong? If you’re happy to receive, you have to give something back. Don’t expect to get everything, but withhold something. Beside all that, I wonder how this would look from a stranger’s eyes : Girl travelled halfway across the world to meet her father for the first time but won’t call him “dad”. Doesn’t it sound ridiculous?

I know she won’t agree because she overthinks and likes to look for deeper meaning and different spin in a situation, but sometimes it’s better to look at things in black and white. It’s simpler. Easier. Makes life less complicated.

If ever she would read this, I know that this will upset her and I’m sorry, but it angers me every time she blatantly attacks my husband behind his back. She’s unaware of this, but we saw a few of her (private, hidden from us) insulting post directed at him, vilifying him. Makes me wonder if she was ever genuine, or what kind of person she really is. It also upsets me to hear my husband say that despite everything he did for her, they’re still not enough to earn a relationship that’s free of resentments; no matter how hard he tried, it’s still not good enough to fill the hole he left when she was a little girl and he is still or possibly forever regarded as the bastard who left and didn’t provide. I’m not blaming her or implying that this is all her fault, but I witnessed all the emotions and hard work he invested. To see all the excitement turn into disappointment at the end was gut wrenching. And to feel used and taken advantage of is even worse.

When someone beseeched to be in my life, I feel humbled. Not self-important nor superior. Maybe a bit flattered, but it doesn’t make me feel special. I don’t become snooty or cocky or swollen-headed.

Humbled.