But You Changed Too

This pandemic has affected a lot of people in a lot of ways. It made us see our lives in different light, made us see things that we haven't really noticed before, made us recognise that we were so blind for so long that what we thought was right wasn't really, what we thought was enough was in fact inadequate.

I know we're not perfect, but I realised that we don't have anything in common anymore. We ran out of stuff to talk about, and we no longer believe in the same things. I detest how you make me feel worthless. It annoys me to no end how you see yourself superior to me. I hate that you don't appreciate the things I made happen for you, and that you don't recognise that you won't be where you are if it wasn't for me. It irks me that you forgot how to be a father to our children, and how you make me feel like we are just a burden to you, that the things you do for us are favors you bestow, and not your responsibility. I know you feel the same way, that you think we don't value your sacrifices and hard work, and I'm sorry for that, but we do. Only now, it has become awkward for them to show their appreciation. Your indifference and disregard, and your blatant partiality have pushed them away. And your constant reminders that we should feel indebted, using it as leverage or as a mean to get your way, made it harder for us to appreciate your hard work. But I doubt that you know. Because to you, you never do anything wrong, you are never to blame. It's always someone else's fault - never yours. This makes me resent you even more.

I don't know how to go back to how it was before. I don't know if I want to. But I know I miss you, and I still want to be close to you. I'm worried that we'll carry on drifting after our children have left, that we'll be like one of those couples who are more like roommates. Strangers. You'll do your own thing - I'll do mine. Tolerating each other's shortcomings. Living under one roof but emotionally miles apart. That's not how I saw our future before, but that's how I see it now. And my heart is weighed down with anger for letting it come to this. And utter fear that it's too late to do anything to save us. But what frightens me more is not seeing our children as I get older, because of you. If that happens and I'm forced to make a choice, I want you to know now that I will choose them.

It's quite heartbreaking that we have allowed ourselves to grow this far apart. I do realize where I'm lacking, and I want to make up for it, but I'm not certain if I can anymore. I'm sorry that I changed, but you have changed too.