To My Younger Self

Hi. I’m writing this because I thought you should know that you're doing fine, more than just fine. You don't worry a lot, but you sometimes like to think about your future and you find the unknown a little bit daunting. So here's your older self, telling you that there's no reason to be afraid. I know you feel imprisoned right now. Your mum won’t let you go out with your friends, and you feel like you’re missing out on all the fun. But that’s all right, because you’re turning 18 soon and although you decided not to have an 18th birthday party (a do or debut as we call it) like most of your friends, you will have something far better! Your mum will buy you a car! And it will make your life a lot easier. Appreciate that. You broke up with your first boyfriend (for the second time) and I have to say, this is one of your best decisions. To be truthful, you shouldn't have taken him back in the first place! He doesn’t deserve you. He makes you wait because he’s always late, he’s possessive, ridiculously jealous, and you hate that about him, among other things. So don’t fret. Don’t feel alone. He’s definitely not a loss. It will take time before you jump into a new relationship. This is okay. I know you feel some sort of peer pressure, but you will turn out to be quite picky, and in a ridiculous kind of way. I don’t know where you will get the idea from, but in a potential boyfriend it is mandatory for him to have a nice, respectable name and not something laughable. That's the one box that has to be ticked! I suppose that's your way of making sure that you don't get stuck with an ugly name in case you end up marrying the guy. You're a Martinez, for heaven's sake! That's one of the reputable names in the Philippines. Because of this you will turn down a few guys, as their names will not pass your freaking benchmark (haha!) Quite absurd, really. But I love that about you. Then there is this guy that you like since you were a little girl. You went to kinder garden together, and you have known ever since that he's in love with you. He made sure that you know this, remember? However, the timing is always wrong. At some point, it will feel like fate is against you. Perhaps it is. The last thing I heard was he's become an actor, and let's face it, though it's a bit exciting, you don't want to be with an actor. That would be like picking up a nice brick to bash your head in with! But for some reason, you think that you will end up together eventually, that you are made for each other, so you will disregard his little efforts and you will break his heart. Before this happens, I wish that you will come to your senses and immediately stop being too callous. You don’t know this, but there won’t be another chance for the two of you to be together. Which is a shame, because if you’re with him, then you will not have any reason to make this other mistake – dating this other guy for the wrong reason. Dating someone because you feel sorry for him, is by the way, downright stupid! What a nightmare. You clearly have no feelings for him, you barely even like him, but you will take it upon yourself to make him look cool. You will let him show you off to his friends, like a trophy. This will make you feel better about yourself, but only for a short while. You will break up with him, because he will do something stupid and to finally get away from him. And at this stage, you will feel regret, you will feel that your messing your life by being with the wrong people, you will feel that you’re wasting time. You will decide to take action. You will seek the guy you like for years. But he will be with someone else. Although this will hurt you deeply, you will not admit it, you will not let it show. You’re tough that way. But I will promise you this – you will get over him pretty fast. And I know you believe that he’s your soulmate because of this “liking each other since we were six” rubbish, but he’s not. You haven’t met your soulmate yet. But you will soon. School is finally over. You’re done with University and will swear to never study ever again. However, I wish that you know at this point that you will like to write one day and maybe take a creative writing course or something?? But I know you can’t wait to earn your own money and to exercise your freedom, so I don’t blame you. Though you will miss your university friends terribly, you will be more than ready to start the next chapter of your life. And if there is one lesson you learned from the past, it’s the “do not waste your time” that will make a huge impact on your decision habits. Straightaway you will find a job at Starbucks. And on the day of your interview, you will see a man standing outside your future place of work, smoking a cigarette with his friend, and you will say to yourself “he will be a part of my life”, even though you don’t know his last name yet or haven’t officially met him at least! I think you might be a bit clairvoyant, because you are right. He’s going to be the love of your life. From here, I will advise you to hold on tight because things will happen so fast, you will barely have time to breathe. You will get married to the cigarette guy despite the fact that you only know him for less than a year. You will trust him, for some reason. And because he will emotionally and mentally challenge you, you will find this quite irresistible. You won't care that he's a couple of inches shorter than you, and that he's five years older and way more experienced in life. You won't see the bad in him - only the good. You will have his baby quite early in your relationship, and you will name him Owen. You will leave your home and move halfway across the world to be with him. And you will give him two more babies. Yes, you have found your soulmate. Life is not going to be easy at first, but you have to be patient. You will get this job at this big, well-known hotel chain in London, which is good at first. But I will advise you to leave after six months or less preferably. Find something else, a place with good employee support, better working conditions and pays more. I know you will feel trap and you will feel that you can’t take your chances, but you will waste your time and talent there. Do it, before you have Erin. When you move to Sheffield and buy a house, don’t take a lot of loans and don’t overuse your credit cards because you will fall into debt. But don’t worry too much, you will get by, and soon the money issue will get sorted. Instead, listen to your mum when she gives you advice about finances. Erwin might not like your mum’s way, but you have to admit, she’s right. You will face a frightening moment in your life, where you will be given some wrong information about your third pregnancy and you think you’re going to have to make some terrible choice. Don’t be upset. Even if you have, I know you will make the right decision. And when you finally have Lian, please don’t just breastfeed her. Give her formula as well. Though breastfeeding allows you to eat like a horse and still stay thin, this will cause you problems when you go back to work. Speaking of staying thin, you will fail at this, sad to say. You think that you can easily shift your weight, but unfortunately, when you’re in your 30s, it becomes very difficult. You will blame Erwin for this because he will constantly call you fat even though you’re not, so you will sort of develop a thick skin and ignore his jokes, (Good on you! You have never been insecure about yourself and you shouldn’t) even though you will actually start to put on some weight. You will try calorie counting to help you, but unfortunately you will only be good at start and you will fail to see it through. I know you’re naturally lazy, but I want to encourage you to exercise. Erwin will buy these workout DVDs – join him! Do it! It will do you more good than harm. And I know work can sometimes be tough and when you get home all you want to do is to relax. But don’t rely on takeaways. Make some effort to cook healthy meals and don’t feed your children rubbish. You will be addicted to fizzy drinks, and you will think that’s okay because you only drink the diet ones. Avoid it, please. It will give you wobbly bits. And because of this, you will start to wear loose tops. You will also discover this lovely cake shop near work and you will introduce it to your work colleagues. They will love it and before you know it, you will be a part of this Thursday Cake Club with them. Please, say no to this, steer clear of it at all cost! Also, medium (or small, preferably) latte is good enough, you don’t have to get a large one every single day! If you do, make sure you order skinny latte. On motherhood, you will try to be the fun mum, and I think you’re doing a good job at it. You will get along with them pretty well. Be patient with Erin though, because she will turn out to be a very emotional child, like most artist. Always find time to speak with her, draw her out of her bedroom and never shut her out. With Owen, teach him the difference between good sarcasm and bad sarcasm before he gets in trouble with his dad. You can't tell him not to be sarcastic because he will get that from you. With Lian, she will turn out to be very shy and more quiet than the two. Don't be too harsh or too protective. Don't force her to face her fears and just let her come out of her shell on her own time. They will be your priority. You will always want what’s fair to them and will not let other people take what’s theirs. You will go to war and sever ties for them. Because you’re a natural mother. As a wife, you’re going to be very loyal. There will be ups and downs, but you love your other half, and he loves you. One day, he will ask for your help about something from his past. You have to help him. You have to back him up 100%. This will bring you closer together. You won’t be sorry, I promise. And before I forget, you will write a book. You will call it Insight. It will take you three years to finish it, but it will get published eventually. Though it will not be your key to wealth, it will be your pride and joy. But after this, you will be hit by a massive writer's block. You will step away from everything book related. This will make you sad, but you will keep that fire in your heart and hope that one day you will write again.

Sadly, you will suffer a great loss at the beginning of the year you are to turn 40, you will leave things too late and it will possibly be your biggest regret. But you will show your strength. Because that’s what’s expected of you.  Most days, you will spend time dreaming of a better life. You will dream of a bigger house, dream of various holidays, but when you look at your children and see how beautiful and wonderful they are, you will feel content. When you look at your husband and feel your heart brimming with love that you can’t stop yourself from orbiting towards him, you will feel content. Dreaming doesn't mean that you're not happy. That's just a human thing. And this future that you will have, trust me… you will never exchange this for the world.