A Situation in Which a Difficult Choice has to be Made Between Two or More Alternatives, Especially
I did an awful thing back then. I did it for the people that I love and care so deeply. To protect them. To protect what's theirs. Selfish perhaps, but I didn't care. I knew it was the right thing to do, every bone in my body told me so. I didn't mind being the horrible, heartless cunt, for I knew I had to be. I had to play that role. And I will never regret it.
In fact, I'll do it all over again if I have to.
Now, a new thing has come to light. And it's way bigger than me, bigger than what I've dealt with before. And it has been bothering me for quite some time now. It's sort of a moral dilemma for me, and for who I want to be or who I want to become. I can't seem to make up my mind, know what to do or come up with any kind of plan. I've been thinking, no - more like obsessing about it, time and time again, it's becoming a nuisance. Like a hideous wall in front of me that I can't seem to stop gazing at every single day. As time passes by, this wall is somehow getting taller, uglier, darker and harder for me to break down, without the fear that it might crumble down on me. Or worse, I might end up on the other side.
I'm aware that there are things that are being kept from me. I can sense it, pulsing in between my heart and my soul, poking me like a sharp stick. And I can't help but feel betrayed. I have to admit, it's somehow my fault. If I hadn't brought it up in the first fucking place, it would never have become this massive elephant in the room, this dud waiting to explode. If I hadn't open my mouth, if I hadn't let my curiosity take over my common sense, then my life would be free of this internal struggle. Because not all truth had to be told. Because the past should stay in the past, as that's where it belong.
But why do I find the need to dig it up?
I have things to say, questions to ask. Though I hate this feeling of betrayal simmering deep in the pit of my stomach, I haven't uttered a single word. And it's becoming clearer to me that I have no wish to. Because if I do, I'm terrified it would take me to a point where I would be forced to become that horrible, heartless cunt once again.
And I don't want that to happen. Because I want to understand. Because instead of breaking that ghastly wall down, I want to turn it into something beautiful. It will take a lot of work, perhaps some tears, and I'm quite certain at some point I will realise it will be easier, far more beneficial to just smash it, burn it down to the ground. And when that time comes, I want to have the strength to ignore my common sense, I want to have the strength to go against my own wish.
I want to give myself the satisfaction of knowing that I fulfilled my part and did what is expected of me. And I want to know that I'm being betrayed for my own good, no matter how odd and terrible that sounds. But I'm too afraid that things will turn out the complete opposite. I'm too terrified to be disappointed.
I'm too frightened to realise that this wall is here to taunt me and give me grief, ugly as hell, and I have to live with it...